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personal/mental health/Boundaries.md
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@ -18,19 +18,22 @@ Change can create anxiety in our lives, so it's normal for people to feel emotio
You can validate another person's anxiety or other emotions such as hurt, frustration, or disappointment, but *you do not need to own those feelings*. Pull them closer to help them regain balance, but understand that *it is not your responsibility to hold them up*. They might fall down as they find their way again, but if they refuse to get back up, it's not on you. You can validate another person's anxiety or other emotions such as hurt, frustration, or disappointment, but *you do not need to own those feelings*. Pull them closer to help them regain balance, but understand that *it is not your responsibility to hold them up*. They might fall down as they find their way again, but if they refuse to get back up, it's not on you.
Healthy boundaries can dramatically improve relationships and wellbeing. You must stay true to yourself, and be prepared to let go of those who won't adapt to the boundaries you set. Healthy boundaries can dramatically improve relationships and wellbeing. You must stay true to yourself, and be prepared to let go of those who won't adapt to the boundaries you set.
## Requests vs Boundaries vs Ultimatums ## Requests vs Boundaries vs Ultimatums
Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs. Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs.
## Requests: The First Course of Action
## Requests
A request is when you ask someone to do or not do something, in order to meet our needs. A request is *not enforceable*, the outcome is out of our control. For example: "Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?" A request is when you ask someone to do or not do something, in order to meet our needs. A request is *not enforceable*, the outcome is out of our control. For example: "Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?"
## Boundaries
When you have a need in a relationship, a request is a good place to start. By making a request, we give the other party an opportunity to meet our needs. If the other party is receptive, you should offer a window of time for them to make a change to their behavior.
## Boundaries: The Second Course of Action
A *boundary* is when you make clear what you will or will not tolerate. For example, "I can't continue this conversation when you raise your voice at me." A *boundary* is when you make clear what you will or will not tolerate. For example, "I can't continue this conversation when you raise your voice at me."
A boundary is only meaningful *if you enforce it*. In the above example, that would mean ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice. A boundary is only meaningful *if you enforce it*. In the above example, that would mean ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice.
When we set a boundary, we are making it When we set a boundary, we are making it clear what *our* actions will be. Therefore, boundaries are more enforceable, and the outcome is within our control.
If we make a request and the other party is unwilling or unable to meet it, you *must* accept their answer. You cannot force something from someone who is unable or unwilling to give more. Don't give into the illusion that
## Ultimatum
# Resources # Resources