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While it may seem scary to say anything and "rock the boat" or cause problems, it's far more dangerous to let resentment take hold, and cause harm to both of you.
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No matter how well individuals think they know each other, they are not mind readers. They don't always know when you feel overwhelmed, lonely, or under appreciated unless you tell them. They might not know how much certain things mean to you, like unloading the dishwasher or giving them time alone unless you tell them. Understand that grief is a natural part of the boundary-setting process, and that while setting boundaries is a healthy thing to do, it's often accompanied by some loss and sadness - and in order to effectively set boundaries, we must accept this part of the process too.
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If not addressed properly, "little" things can become big things that can threaten a relationship when ignored. It's important to *identify* and *express* needs. A lot of trouble and heartache can be avoided if everyone said what they needed rather than pulling away or becoming passive aggressive.
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By being in control of when and how the issue is brought up, resentment doesn't build and the conversation can go smoothly. If the other person has questions, that's *OK*, and answering them may help the other person better understand where you're coming from, but you are not required to provide a justification to explain your boundaries. You might even find it productive to ask followup questions to make sure they understand, maybe ask if the request seems unfair, or unusual, or see if the request conflicts with one of their needs.
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Setting and enforcing boundaries will require accepting the limits of our control, and releasing the illusions of control that keep us stuck in unchanging situations. It might mean respecting our needs enough to *make a hard choice to protect them*.
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It's important to understand that boundaries are not "an eye for an eye". Just because one person in a relationship defines a boundary, doesn't mean that the other person needs to have that same boundary. In a healthy relationship, you may have boundaries that the other person may not have, and vice versa.
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## Feeling Safe
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If you don't feel safe physically, mentally, and emotionally, it can be difficult to set and hold boundaries. Even if your lack of stability isn't directly caused by the relationship (lack of sleep, conflict from work, existential issues), it can still impact your ability to hold healthy boundaries.
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If you are prone to people-pleasing, fear of disappointing others may make you feel unsafe or scared. It can be a trauma response from an abusive upbringing, or as a way to get love in a family where you experienced emotional neglect and/or invalidation.
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Practicing self compassion and working with a therapist can help strengthen your relationship. A therapist can also provide healing experiences that can assist you in setting and holding boundaries.
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## Demanding You Change Back
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Change can create anxiety in our lives, so it's normal for people to feel emotional about the setting of new boundaries. It's important to understand that they are not necessarily reacting because the change you are making is bad or wrong, rather they are uncomfortable because you are inviting them into new, and unknown territory.
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You can validate another person's anxiety or other emotions such as hurt, frustration, or disappointment, but *you do not need to own those feelings*. Pull them closer to help them regain balance, but understand that *it is not your responsibility to hold them up*. They might fall down as they find their way again, but if they refuse to get back up, it's not on you.
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Healthy boundaries can dramatically improve relationships and wellbeing. You must stay true to yourself, and be prepared to let go of those who won't adapt to the boundaries you set.
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## Requests vs Boundaries vs Ultimatums
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Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs.
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### Requests: The First Course of Action
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A request is when you ask someone to do or not do something, in order to meet our needs. A request is *not enforceable*, the outcome is out of our control. For example: "Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?"
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When you have a need in a relationship, a request is a good place to start. By making a request, we give the other party an opportunity to meet our needs. If the other party is receptive, you should offer a window of time for them to make a change to their behavior.
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### Boundaries: The Second Course of Action
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A *boundary* is when you make clear what you will or will not tolerate. For example, "I can't continue this conversation when you raise your voice at me."
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A boundary is only meaningful *if you enforce it*. In the above example, that would mean ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice.
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When we set a boundary, we are making it clear what *our* actions will be. Therefore, boundaries are more enforceable, and the outcome is within our control.
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If we make a request and the other party is unwilling or unable to meet it, you *must* accept their answer. You cannot force something from someone who is unable or unwilling to give more. Don't give into the illusion that if we ask a *17th time*, then they'll give in and become receptive to our needs.
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At this point, we have two choices.
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1. We can accept that *in this circumstance*, their behavior is unchanging, and that our needs are not met. This means staying in that situation.
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2. We can set a boundary.
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When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?"
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If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it.
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### Ultimatums
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You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?"
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The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way.
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However, the main distinction comes from the fact that a boundary is about our own limits, and an ultimatum is designed to control someone else. Ultimatums focus on the behavior of *others*, not ourselves.
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Ultimatums often revolve around trying to force someone else to change, and often come with a tone of anger and control.
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If someone frequently sets ultimatums they don't enforce, they highlight their attempts to control other people's behavior, rather than making attempts to protect themselves, and their needs.
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You should consider an ultimatum, and realize that it's probably the emotional result of a boundary being crossed, and whether it can be communicated in a healthier way.
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### Getting stuck having repeated *requests*
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You might find yourself making repeated requests, and never being able to cross that bridge from a *request*, to a *boundary*.
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There are a few reasons this might be the case:
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- You don't believe your needs are valid, or important enough to warrant setting hard boundaries around them.
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- We've been told our needs are unreasonable, so it seems too "demanding" to set a boundary around them.
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- We're afraid of the grief that will arise when you accept that:
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- The other person isn't changing
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- Setting a boundary may mean stepping back from the relationship.
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# Resources
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https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-truth-about-boundaries/
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https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/
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## Understanding **must** precede advice
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When beginning a conversation, the goal should be understanding, not problem solving. You should aim to make sure there's a *mutual understanding* of the situation before attempting to problem solve. Problem solving and advice should *only* begin when both people feel totally understood, and heard.
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# Skills
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There are a few skills that can massively contribute to a healthy relationship. It takes work and practice to refine them.
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## Putting Your Feelings into Words
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When people are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to adequately describe our feelings, there's a kind of "resolution" that comes of it, an easing of tension. In conversation, focusing on finding the right way to explain your feelings can make the conversation more intimate, and more productive, because you can convey your feelings to the other person in a more impactful way.
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## Asking Open-Ended Questions
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The ability to ask open ended questions can help the other person explore their feelings by asking open-ended questions. This can be done by asking targeted questions, looking to understand their feelings about something, and by making specific statements that encourage the other person to expand on a statement further.
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## Expressing Empathy
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Empathy *is not easy*. In a difficult conversation, it's important to try to learn more about, explore, and learn more about another person's thoughts, feelings, and needs. Empathy communicates to the other person that their thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to you, and that you understand them. It doesn't necessarily mean you agree, but it means showing them that their perception of the situation is valid. You can have your own perception of the situation that's different from theirs, but both of your perceptions can be valid.
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---
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# Crucial Conversations
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Below are my notes and thoughts from reading the book *Crucial Conversations.
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The fundamental idea behind the book is that:
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> The root cause of many ... human problems lies in how people behave when we disagree about high-stakes, emotional issues.
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You know you're getting into a crucial conversation as opposed to a normal conversation when:
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- Opinions vary, people feel differently about things.
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- The stakes are high, the outcome of the conversation matters.
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- Emotions are high, people feel strongly about the outcome.
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One important factor in problem resolution is the time that passes between when the problem emerges, and when resolution is attempted. The impact of the issues, and the difficulty of resolution grow when the issue is left unresolved. It can lead to gossiping, mistrust, and resentment.
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It's important to try to resolve problems *quickly* after they are identified.
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### How do we handle crucial conversations?
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There are 3 broad options:
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- We can avoid them entirely.
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- We can face them and handle it poorly.
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- We can face them and handle it well.
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While only one of these options reliably leads to an effective outcome, you'll often find that we often fall back to the first two because of the fear that engagement will make the issue worse.
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*personal note*: Humans inherently dislike being uncomfortable, the root instinct to avoid immediate discomfort in any way is natural . But in so many parts of life, if you push through that, the outcome will be very positive. Try to be mindful of anything that makes you uncomfortable, and ask yourself, "will my life improve if I do this hard thing?"
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If you fail to discuss these issues with other people, *those issues will become the lens through which you see them*, which will show up in the way you treat the other person.
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We generally handle important conversations *poorly*, strong emotions make people worse at communicating effectively, not better. Our natural instincts are to push back against that communication because it's hard, and it triggers our fight or flight instincts. This means we won't be receptive to new information, and we'll likely respond in a way that's not irrational and hurts the situation for both parties. It usually takes conscious effort to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings, process them fully and rationally, then respond to the other party in a rational way.
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*personal note*: When we get emotional, the *limbic system* in our brain begins to take control. We stop being rational, and we literally do not process things with the same amount of brainpower that we'd use normally. This is why it's so important to recognize when you're emotional, and why it's important to avoid letting conversations get ruled by emotion.
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### Dialogue
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A healthy conversation should involve two way communication. You need to make sure the other person is given the space to make themself understood.
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When meaning and ideas can flow freely, people are often more receptive to ideas and change. When everyone can contribute their feelings to the discussion, people involved can form a clearer picture of the circumstances, and when everyone has a clear understanding, then they're more likely to personally commit to the outcome of the discussion.
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### Topics
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Difficult conversations are most successful when they're focused on a single issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a conversation on a single topic takes effort.
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When faced with the time to pick a topic, there are a few common mistakes:
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- Picking an easier topic over the hard topic: It's natural to have a bias to choose a topic you think you can win with. That usually means picking an easier topic than the root issue.
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- Choosing a more recent event over the most important one: We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than the one that matters the most. This often happens because you remember recent events more clearly, and you don't want to be accused of "dredging up ancient history".
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.
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Making these mistakes can lead to fairly predictable results: you end up having the wrong conversation and not addressing the actual issue
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Healthy relationships are an essential part of being human, romantic *or* platonic.
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# The R.A.M Model
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The Relationship Attachment Model is one way to understand how relationships should grow to become a healthy, stable relationship.
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The broad premise looks somewhat like this:
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1. **Know**: You should know someone above all else, and knowing them should come first.
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2. **Trust**: After you know them, you can begin to trust them, but you should never trust someone more than you understand them.
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3. **Rely**: After trust is developed, you can begin to understand and meet each other's needs. You should not rely on someone more than you trust them.
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4. **Commit**: You should not commit to a relationship more than you're willing to let the other person rely on you.
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5. **Touch**: To build a deep relationship with an individual, physical intimacy should not be put before commitment, trust, or anything above. This does not mean that those things are a requirement for physical intimacy to take place, but it does mean they should be taken into consideration if you are trying to develop a deeper relationship with an individual.
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# Codependency vs Interdependency
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In an *interdependent relationship*, both people can be independent, healthy, human beings.
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In an interdependent relationship:
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- You're two autonomous individuals who made the choice to have that relationship.
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- You find personal fulfillment through your own interests and accomplishments, *as well* as the relationship.
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- You love and support one another, and respect boundaries set.
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- Clearly defined and respected boundaries between partners.
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- Individuality in thoughts, beliefs, and pursuits - but not at the exclusion of your partner.
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- Recognition of what it means to be a whole person, and not just half a couple.
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- A continual effort to practice healthy communication and respect for one another.
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- A sense of security in your ability to strengthen the relationship or work with the other to face relationship challenges.
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In a *codependent relationship*, one or both individuals in the relationship build an unhealthy reliance on the other person. They start to *need* the other person to be a happy, functioning human. This can lead to subsuming each other, and it can develop into a lack of identity, rage, and frustration. Codependent relationships are not healthy.
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Codependent relationships aren't necessarily romantic, they can happen between family members and friends.
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Some common signs of codependency include:
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- Your sense of self-worth and self-esteem come from outside yourself. Primarily from your parter.
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- Your mood, emotions, and decision making ability are governed by the other other person, directly or indirectly.
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- You neglect your own personal needs or desires to please and fulfill the needs of your partner.
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- Needing to get permission before you make plans with friends, which is different from *notifying* your partner of a desire to see friends.
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- Blaming your partner if you feel unhappy or dissatisfied in any way.
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- Wanting to know what your partner thinks before you voice or form an opinion.
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- Worrying about how to make your partner happy, and considering that more important than making yourself happy.
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- Always being together because one or both of you find being apart distressing.
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Codependency can happen slowly, over time, without either person realizing it. When you begin a relationship, it's natural to want to spend time together and please the other person. Over time, partners can lose themselves (individuality) in the relationship, and become overly focused and dependent on the other.
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## Transitioning from codependency to interdependency
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The transition from a codependent relationship to an interdependent relationship can be uncomfortable and unsettling. It will involve working to improve both individually and as a whole.
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One way to begin the process would be by opening a channel of communication about the subject. Try to talk about the state of dependency in your relationship.
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- Recognize your own behaviors that contribute to codependence in your relationship, then try to take responsibility for changing them.
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- Make a list of what makes *you* happy. Not you as a couple, just *you*. Discuss in a kind and open way, and allow your partner to ask questions freely. Define why these activities are enjoyable, and how they can benefit the relationship.
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- Find your inner "no". There's a fine line between trying to enjoy and support your partner's interests, and feeling like you *must* do what they want all the time. It's OK to say no to things. (<https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no>)
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- Practice making your own choices, without the feedback or permission of your partner.
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- *Make a concerted effort to spend time with friends outside the relationship.*
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<https://psychcentral.com/lib/codependency-vs-interdependency>
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# Balance
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As human beings, we need variety in social interactions. Not even necessarily variety in the amount of different people, but variety in the types and facets of people, and our relationship to them. If we don't have that variety, and instead begin to rely on one person too much to fulfill all of our social needs, it can create a dependance on that person, and create an unhealthy relationship with them.
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If you consider your relationships with the people around you as a set of concentric circles, a healthy social balance includes people in all circles. You need people that you have close, intimate relationships with, but you also need casual friendships and acquaintances.
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To grow closer to people, it takes time, slowly opening up and building trust.
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# Forging change in relationships
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Creating change in the relationships around you will usually be uncomfortable. Take a look at the status quo, and ask yourself, "would it be better if this relationship was different?"
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Going against the status quo is difficult, but the outcome can often times be good. It will require pushing into discomfort.
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# The Circles of Control
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One important aspect of mental health is understanding the level of control and influence you have on the people around you. This isn't necessarily about being a controlling individual, it also encompasses the broader aspects of every relationship you make with people.
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A lot of things are outside of our control. Do not confuse what's within your control, and what's outside of your control.
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Imagine 3 concentric circles
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- *The circle of concern* (outermost)
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- Things like the weather, geopolitics, traffic, natural disasters, war
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- These are things that can affect us, but there's nothing we can do as an individual to change them, so we need to learn to adapt.
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- *The circle of influence* (middle circle)
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- Friends, family, job.
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- Things that are immediate to us, where we have some level of influence. The things you do and say can have an impact. You have influence, you don't have *control.* This is a two way road, other people can influence you, and you can influence them.
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- *The circle of control* (inner circle)
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- yourself, your actions.
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- How are you showing up to situations, how are you responding to certain situations. You can't control your thoughts or the types of thoughts, but you can control how much power those thoughts and feelings have over you.
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When you mix up what happens in each of the circles, it can lead to anger and resentment. It's ok to feel hurt and confused and frustrated by the things that other people do within the two way street of the circle of influence.
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One way that we build trust in a relationship is by taking accountability for our actions. By making mistakes, it provides a chance for you to take accountability for our mistakes.
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It's hard as human beings to recognize just how much we don't have control over.
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If you self identify as a responsible person, it can lead to you beginning to take responsibility for other people's thoughts and feelings. This is common among anxious people. You can be *over-responsible*. Thinking we can change other people can lead to burnout. The over-responsible mindset calls for people to bend over backwards. Remember to understand that other people are autonomous individuals, and their thoughts, feelings, and actions are not your responsibility. Don't let your perception of your *circle of control* expand beyond what it actually contains.
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# Books
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(Therapist recommended)
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Recommended authors:
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- John Gottman
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Recommended books:
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- Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson
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- The New Co-Dependency - Melody Beattie
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- Crucial Conversations
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