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personal/mental health/Boundaries.md
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@ -20,11 +20,11 @@ You can validate another person's anxiety or other emotions such as hurt, frustr
Healthy boundaries can dramatically improve relationships and wellbeing. You must stay true to yourself, and be prepared to let go of those who won't adapt to the boundaries you set. Healthy boundaries can dramatically improve relationships and wellbeing. You must stay true to yourself, and be prepared to let go of those who won't adapt to the boundaries you set.
## Requests vs Boundaries vs Ultimatums ## Requests vs Boundaries vs Ultimatums
Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs. Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs.
## Requests: The First Course of Action ### Requests: The First Course of Action
A request is when you ask someone to do or not do something, in order to meet our needs. A request is *not enforceable*, the outcome is out of our control. For example: "Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?" A request is when you ask someone to do or not do something, in order to meet our needs. A request is *not enforceable*, the outcome is out of our control. For example: "Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?"
When you have a need in a relationship, a request is a good place to start. By making a request, we give the other party an opportunity to meet our needs. If the other party is receptive, you should offer a window of time for them to make a change to their behavior. When you have a need in a relationship, a request is a good place to start. By making a request, we give the other party an opportunity to meet our needs. If the other party is receptive, you should offer a window of time for them to make a change to their behavior.
## Boundaries: The Second Course of Action ### Boundaries: The Second Course of Action
A *boundary* is when you make clear what you will or will not tolerate. For example, "I can't continue this conversation when you raise your voice at me." A *boundary* is when you make clear what you will or will not tolerate. For example, "I can't continue this conversation when you raise your voice at me."
A boundary is only meaningful *if you enforce it*. In the above example, that would mean ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice. A boundary is only meaningful *if you enforce it*. In the above example, that would mean ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice.
@ -39,12 +39,18 @@ At this point, we have two choices.
When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?" When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?"
If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it. If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it.
## Ultimatum ### Ultimatum
You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?" You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?"
The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way. The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way.
However, the main distinction comes from the fact that a boundary is about our own limits, and an ultimatum is designed to c However, the main distinction comes from the fact that a boundary is about our own limits, and an ultimatum is designed to control someone else. Ultimatums focus on the behavior of *others*, not ourselves.
Ultimatums often revolve around trying to force someone else to change, and often come with a tone of anger and control. *You should consider an ultimatum, and realize that it's probablis the emotional form of a boundary, and whether it can be communicated in a healthy way.*
If someone frequently sets ultimatums they don't enforce, they highlight their attempts to control other people's behavior, rather than making attempts to protect themselves, and their needs.
## Having questions ## Having questions