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personal/interpersonal skills/Difficult Conversations.md

@@ -100,4 +100,26 @@ Assumptions are incredibly dangerous. DOn't assume the feelings of others, and d
 
 When you notice that your emotions are rising, don't try to stop them from happening or showing, instead, think through your emotions and try to process them. It's not easy to re-think your emotions into a more logical state of being, but it can be done.
 
+#### Stories Create Feelings
+In many instances, conflict comes from the fact that each person's story, or the way they view events, is incomplete, or warped by emotion. If you can recognize this in yourself, and in other people, you can get in the habit of trying to gain a greater understanding of each other, and figure out what's missing, what's making that friction. Telling a story can help shift the other person's emotions, and hearing a story can help us better re-evaluate our own story and emotions.
 
+*personal note*: At this point in the book, I'm realizing that when we don't properly understand the other person and we don't communicate about issues, we can begin to take these points of conflict, and start to attribute them to deeper traits about the other person. EG, you could begin to think of them as "a jealous person", or "a *bad* person", when in reality, they aren't a jealous person, or a bad person (few people are), you just lack the full context.
+
+We tell ourselves stories, even when we don't realize it. And fairly often, these stories *are not correct*. When you believe you are at risk of something, you'll often instantly create a story, or a perspective that's simplistic, and usually harmful. "I didn't do anything wrong", or "That person is just an x", or "It was all my fault", or "I deserved that". These stories are lacking the nuance real life has, and prevent you from addressing the issue in a thoughtful way.
+
+However, any set of facts can be used to create an infinite number of stories, so it's up to you to find the right story to describe the situation.
+
+One way to do this is to slow down, and retrace your actions:
+- **Act**: Notice your behavior; ask "Am I *acting* out my concerns rather then *talking* them out?*"
+- **Feel**: Put your feelings into words; ask "What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?"
+- **Tell story**: Analyze your stories; ask "What story is creating these emotions?"
+- **See/hear**: Get back to the facts; Ask "What have I seen or heard that *supports* this story? What have I seen or heard that *conflicts* with this story?"
+
+Some ways to know if you need to stop, slow down, and retrace your actions include:
+1. **Bad results.** You're not happy with the outcome of the discussion, you feel like it didn't properly address the issue.
+2. **Tough emotions.** You're feeling strong, negative, emotions. If you're angry, stop, slow down, and ask *why*. Why are you feeling this way? Why are you acting this way? Are these feelings helping you address the conversation better? Aggressive behavior is rarely the right answer.
+
+#### Put your feelings into words
+Most individuals are shockingly bad at properly naming their emotions. They might be able to categorize them into broad categories like "bad", or "angry", but most people couldn't properly recognize, then verbalize that they're feeling a mixture of embarrassment or surprise. The distinction between knowing that you're feeling angry, and knowing that you're just embarrassed and startled might not seem big, but it has a real impact on the way you act, and the way other people will respond to you telling them that you're angry.
+
+When you take the time to properly identify what you're feeling, and why, it creates a degree of separation between