vault backup: 2024-07-17 10:18:50

personal/mental health/Boundaries.md

@@ -4,9 +4,11 @@ No matter how well individuals think they know each other, they are not mind rea
 
 If not addressed properly, "little" things can become big things that can threaten a relationship when ignored. It's important to *identify* and *express* needs. A lot of trouble and heartache can be avoided if everyone said what they needed rather than pulling away or becoming passive aggressive.
 
-By being in control of when and how the issue is brought up, resentment doesn't build and the conversation can go smoothly. If the other person has questions, that's *OK*, but you are not required to provide a justification to have boundaries.
+By being in control of when and how the issue is brought up, resentment doesn't build and the conversation can go smoothly. If the other person has questions, that's *OK*, and answering them may help the other person better understand where you're coming from, but you are not required to provide a justification to explain your boundaries. You might even find it productive to ask followup questions to make sure they understand, maybe ask if the request seems unfair, or unusual, or see if the request conflicts with one of their needs.
 
 Setting and enforcing boundaries will require accepting the limits of our control, and releasing the illusions of control that keep us stuck in unchanging situations. It might mean respecting our needs enough to *make a hard choice to protect them*.
+
+It's important to understand that boundaries are not "an eye for an eye". Just because one person in a relationship defines a boundary, doesn't mean that the other person needs to have that same boundary. In a healthy relationship, you may have boundaries that the other person may not have, and vice versa. 
 ## Feeling Safe
 If you don't feel safe physically, mentally, and emotionally, it can be difficult to set and hold boundaries. Even if your lack of stability isn't directly caused by the relationship (lack of sleep, conflict from work, existential issues), it can still impact your ability to hold healthy boundaries.
 
@@ -41,7 +43,7 @@ At this point, we have two choices.
 When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?"
 
 If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it.
-### Ultimatum
+### Ultimatums
 You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?"
 
 The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way.
@@ -65,8 +67,6 @@ There are a few reasons this might be the case:
 	- Setting a boundary may mean stepping back from the relationship.
 
 
-## Having questions
-
 # Resources
 https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-truth-about-boundaries/
 https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/

personal/mental health/Relationships.md

@@ -1,5 +1,9 @@
 Healthy relationships are an essential part of being human, romantic *or* platonic.
 
+# Skills
+There are a few skills that can massively contribute to a healthy relationship. It takes work and practice to refine them.
+## Putting your feelings in the words
+
 # Balance
 As human beings, we need variety in social interactions. Not even necessarily variety in the amount of different people, but variety in the types and facets of people, and our relationship to them. If we don't have that variety, and instead begin to rely on one person too much to fulfill all of our social needs, it can create a dependance on that person, and create an unhealthy relationship with them.