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personal/interpersonal skills/Difficult Conversations.md
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@ -4,7 +4,6 @@ When beginning a conversation, the goal should be understanding, not problem sol
There are a few skills that can massively contribute to a healthy relationship. It takes work and practice to refine them. There are a few skills that can massively contribute to a healthy relationship. It takes work and practice to refine them.
## Putting Your Feelings into Words ## Putting Your Feelings into Words
When people are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to adequately describe our feelings, there's a kind of "resolution" that comes of it, an easing of tension. In conversation, focusing on finding the right way to explain your feelings can make the conversation more intimate, and more productive, because you can convey your feelings to the other person in a more impactful way. When people are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to adequately describe our feelings, there's a kind of "resolution" that comes of it, an easing of tension. In conversation, focusing on finding the right way to explain your feelings can make the conversation more intimate, and more productive, because you can convey your feelings to the other person in a more impactful way.
## Asking Open-Ended Questions ## Asking Open-Ended Questions
The ability to ask open ended questions can help the other person explore their feelings by asking open-ended questions. This can be done by asking targeted questions, looking to understand their feelings about something, and by making specific statements that encourage the other person to expand on a statement further. The ability to ask open ended questions can help the other person explore their feelings by asking open-ended questions. This can be done by asking targeted questions, looking to understand their feelings about something, and by making specific statements that encourage the other person to expand on a statement further.
## Expressing Empathy ## Expressing Empathy
@ -47,7 +46,6 @@ We generally handle important conversations *poorly*, strong emotions make peopl
A healthy conversation should involve two way communication. You need to make sure the other person is given the space to make themself understood. A healthy conversation should involve two way communication. You need to make sure the other person is given the space to make themself understood.
When meaning and ideas can flow freely, people are often more receptive to ideas and change. When everyone can contribute their feelings to the discussion, people involved can form a clearer picture of the circumstances, and when everyone has a clear understanding, then they're more likely to personally commit to the outcome of the discussion. When meaning and ideas can flow freely, people are often more receptive to ideas and change. When everyone can contribute their feelings to the discussion, people involved can form a clearer picture of the circumstances, and when everyone has a clear understanding, then they're more likely to personally commit to the outcome of the discussion.
### Topics ### Topics
Difficult conversations are most successful when they're focused on a single issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a conversation on a single topic takes effort. Difficult conversations are most successful when they're focused on a single issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a conversation on a single topic takes effort.
@ -56,6 +54,9 @@ When faced with the time to pick a topic, there are a few common mistakes:
- Choosing a more recent event over the most important one: We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than the one that matters the most. This often happens because you remember recent events more clearly, and you don't want to be accused of "dredging up ancient history". - Choosing a more recent event over the most important one: We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than the one that matters the most. This often happens because you remember recent events more clearly, and you don't want to be accused of "dredging up ancient history".
Making these mistakes can lead to fairly predictable results: you end up having the wrong conversation and not addressing the actual issue. A few ways ways to identify that you're having the wrong conversation include: Making these mistakes can lead to fairly predictable results: you end up having the wrong conversation and not addressing the actual issue. A few ways ways to identify that you're having the wrong conversation include:
- Your emotions escalate: When you're having the wrong conversation, even if the conversation is going well, you'll probably begin to notice frustration building as the conversation progresses, because there's something important that needs to be addressed. - **Your emotions escalate**: When you're having the wrong conversation, even if the conversation is going well, you'll probably begin to notice frustration building as the conversation progresses, because there's something important that needs to be addressed.
- You walk away sp - **You walk away skeptical**: If you find yourself feeling like real change will not take place, or that you got to an agreement but doubt that the changes made will solve the real problem, you might have missed addressing the real problem entirely.
- **You feel deja vu**: If you feel like you're repeating a conversation with the same people again, the problem is not them, it's you. You're having the wrong conversation about the wrong topic, and so the problem isn't fixed.
One of the best ways to ensure you're talking about the right topic is to get good at noticing when you're actually talking about the wrong one.