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personal/mental health/Boundaries.md
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@ -4,7 +4,7 @@ No matter how well individuals think they know each other, they are not mind rea
If not addressed properly, "little" things can become big things that can threaten a relationship when ignored. It's important to *identify* and *express* needs. A lot of trouble and heartache can be avoided if everyone said what they needed rather than pulling away or becoming passive aggressive. If not addressed properly, "little" things can become big things that can threaten a relationship when ignored. It's important to *identify* and *express* needs. A lot of trouble and heartache can be avoided if everyone said what they needed rather than pulling away or becoming passive aggressive.
By being in control of when and how the issue is brought up, resentment doesn't build and the conversation can go smoothly. If the other person has questions, that's *OK*, but you are not required to provide a justification to have boundaries. By being in control of when and how the issue is brought up, resentment doesn't build and the conversation can go smoothly. If the other person has questions, that's *OK*, and answering them may help the other person better understand where you're coming from, but you are not required to provide a justification to explain your boundaries. You might even find it productive to ask followup questions to make sure they understand, maybe ask if the request seems unfair, or unusual, or see if the request conflicts with one of their needs.
Setting and enforcing boundaries will require accepting the limits of our control, and releasing the illusions of control that keep us stuck in unchanging situations. It might mean respecting our needs enough to *make a hard choice to protect them*. Setting and enforcing boundaries will require accepting the limits of our control, and releasing the illusions of control that keep us stuck in unchanging situations. It might mean respecting our needs enough to *make a hard choice to protect them*.
## Feeling Safe ## Feeling Safe
@ -41,7 +41,7 @@ At this point, we have two choices.
When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?" When setting a boundary, you can ask yourself, "How willing am I to be with this person who is unable or unwilling to meet this need?"
If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it. If a person regularly hurts you and has been unreceptive to our requests to stop, it will create distance and space, or might end the relationship entirely. If a person regularly fails to meet your needs after you've clearly communicated them and given them time to change, you can set a boundary that acknowledges that the relationship is not working in its current state, and take space from it or end it.
### Ultimatum ### Ultimatums
You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?" You might find yourself asking, "What's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?"
The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way. The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a meaningful way.
@ -65,8 +65,6 @@ There are a few reasons this might be the case:
- Setting a boundary may mean stepping back from the relationship. - Setting a boundary may mean stepping back from the relationship.
## Having questions
# Resources # Resources
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-truth-about-boundaries/ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-truth-about-boundaries/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/ https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/