From 4c76c98988a599ffb12fda59a5a3264d66457bc4 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: zleyyij <75810274+zleyyij@users.noreply.github.com> Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2024 10:03:18 -0600 Subject: [PATCH] vault backup: 2024-07-17 10:03:18 --- personal/mental health/Boundaries.md | 15 +++++++++++++-- 1 file changed, 13 insertions(+), 2 deletions(-) diff --git a/personal/mental health/Boundaries.md b/personal/mental health/Boundaries.md index 51c1884..872eb6c 100644 --- a/personal/mental health/Boundaries.md +++ b/personal/mental health/Boundaries.md @@ -1,6 +1,6 @@ While it may seem scary to say anything and "rock the boat" or cause problems, it's far more dangerous to let resentment take hold, and cause harm to both of you. -No matter how well individuals think they know each other, they are not mind readers. They don't always know when you feel overwhelmed, lonely, or under appreciated unless you tell them. They might not know how much certain things mean to you, like unloading the dishwasher or giving them time alone unless you tell them. +No matter how well individuals think they know each other, they are not mind readers. They don't always know when you feel overwhelmed, lonely, or under appreciated unless you tell them. They might not know how much certain things mean to you, like unloading the dishwasher or giving them time alone unless you tell them. Understand that grief is a natural part of the boundary-setting process, and that while setting boundaries is a healthy thing to do, it's often accompanied by some loss and sadness - and in order to effectively set boundaries, we must accept this part of the process too. If not addressed properly, "little" things can become big things that can threaten a relationship when ignored. It's important to *identify* and *express* needs. A lot of trouble and heartache can be avoided if everyone said what they needed rather than pulling away or becoming passive aggressive. @@ -46,10 +46,21 @@ The line between the two is rather blurry, and it might be hard to quantify in a However, the main distinction comes from the fact that a boundary is about our own limits, and an ultimatum is designed to control someone else. Ultimatums focus on the behavior of *others*, not ourselves. -Ultimatums often revolve around trying to force someone else to change, and often come with a tone of anger and control. *You should consider an ultimatum, and realize that it's probablis the emotional form of a boundary, and whether it can be communicated in a healthy way.* +Ultimatums often revolve around trying to force someone else to change, and often come with a tone of anger and control. If someone frequently sets ultimatums they don't enforce, they highlight their attempts to control other people's behavior, rather than making attempts to protect themselves, and their needs. +You should consider an ultimatum, and realize that it's probably the emotional result of a boundary being crossed, and whether it can be communicated in a healthier way. + +### Getting stuck having repeated *requests* +You might find yourself making repeated requests, and never being able to cross that bridge from a *request*, to a *boundary*. + +There are a few reasons this might be the case: +- You don't believe your needs are valid, or important enough to warrant setting hard boundaries around them. +- We've been told our needs are unreasonable, so it seems too "demanding" to set a boundary around them. +- We're afraid of the grief that will arise when you accept that: + - The other person isn't changing + - Setting a boundary may mean stepping back from the relationship. ## Having questions