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personal/interpersonal skills/Difficult Conversations.md
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@ -47,16 +47,25 @@ A healthy conversation should involve two way communication. You need to make su
When meaning and ideas can flow freely, people are often more receptive to ideas and change. When everyone can contribute their feelings to the discussion, people involved can form a clearer picture of the circumstances, and when everyone has a clear understanding, then they're more likely to personally commit to the outcome of the discussion.
### Topics
Difficult conversations are most successful when they're focused on a single issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing a conversation on a single topic takes effort.
Difficult conversations are most successful when they're focused on a single issue. Because human interactions are inherently complex, focusing **a conversation on a single topic takes effort**.
When faced with the time to pick a topic, there are a few common mistakes:
- Picking an easier topic over the hard topic: It's natural to have a bias to choose a topic you think you can win with. That usually means picking an easier topic than the root issue.
- Choosing a more recent event over the most important one: We tend to focus on the most recent event or behavior rather than the one that matters the most. This often happens because you remember recent events more clearly, and you don't want to be accused of "dredging up ancient history".
Making these mistakes can lead to fairly predictable results: you end up having the wrong conversation and not addressing the actual issue. A few ways ways to identify that you're having the wrong conversation include:
Making these mistakes can lead to fairly predictable results: you end up having the wrong conversation and not addressing the actual issue. **A few ways ways to identify that you're having the wrong conversation include**:
- **Your emotions escalate**: When you're having the wrong conversation, even if the conversation is going well, you'll probably begin to notice frustration building as the conversation progresses, because there's something important that needs to be addressed.
- **You walk away skeptical**: If you find yourself feeling like real change will not take place, or that you got to an agreement but doubt that the changes made will solve the real problem, you might have missed addressing the real problem entirely.
- **You feel deja vu**: If you feel like you're repeating a conversation with the same people again, the problem is not them, it's you. You're having the wrong conversation about the wrong topic, and so the problem isn't fixed.
One of the best ways to ensure you're talking about the right topic is to get good at noticing when you're actually talking about the wrong one.
#### Choosing the right topic
There are a few skills that can help you figure out the right issue, and in turn lead to you having the right conversation.
**Unbundling**
There are three levels of conversation you may need to have about the issue itself, and a 4th relating to the *process* of the conversation.
- **Content**: The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content - the immediate pain. *If the action or the immediate consequences are the issue, you have a content problem*. This is f