As human beings, we need variety in social interactions. Not even necessarily variety in the amount of different people, but variety in the types and facets of people, and our relationship to them. If we don't have that variety, and instead begin to rely on one person too much to fulfill all of our social needs, it can create a dependance on that person, and create an unhealthy relationship with them.
If you consider your relationships with the people around you as a set of concentric circles, a healthy social balance includes people in all circles. You need people that you have close, intimate relationships with, but you also need casual friendships and acquaintances.
In a *codependent relationship*, one or both individuals in the relationship build an unhealthy reliance on the other person. They start to *need* the other person to be a happy, functioning human. This can lead to subsuming each other, and it can develop into a lack of identity, rage, and frustration. Codependent relationships are not healthy.
Codependency can happen slowly, over time, without either person realizing it. When you begin a relationship, it's natural to want to spend time together and please the other person. Over time, partners can lose themselves (individuality) in the relationship, and become overly focused and dependent on the other.
## Transitioning from codependency to interdependency
The transition from a codependent relationship to an interdependent relationship can be uncomfortable and unsettling. It will involve working to improve both individually and as a whole.
One way to begin the process would be by opening a channel of communication about the subject. Try to talk about the state of dependency in your relationship.
- Recognize your own behaviors that contribute to codependence in your relationship, then try to take responsibility for changing them.
- Make a list of what makes *you* happy. Not you as a couple, just *you*. Discuss in a kind and open way, and allow your partner to ask questions freely. Define why these activities are enjoyable, and how they can benefit the relationship.
- Find your inner "no". There's a fine line between trying to enjoy and support your partner's interests, and feeling like you *must* do what they want all the time. It's OK to say no to things. (<https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no>)
- Practice making your own choices, without the feedback or permission of your partner.
- *Make a concerted effort to spend time with friends outside the relationship.*
Creating change in the relationships around you will usually be uncomfortable. Take a look at the status quo, and ask yourself, "would it be better if this relationship was different?"
Going against the status quo is difficult, but the outcome can often times be good. It will require pushing into discomfort.
A lot of things are outside of our control. Do not confuse what's within your control, and what's outside of your control.
Imagine 3 concentric circles
- The circle of concern (outermost)
- Things like the weather, geopolitics, traffic, natural disasters, war
- These are things that can affect us, but there's nothing we can do as an individual to change them, so we need to learn to adapt.
- The circle of influence (middle circle)
- Friends, family, job.
- Things that are immediate to us, where we have some level of influence. The things you do and say can have an impact. You have influence, you don't have *control.* This is a two way road, other people can influence you, and you can influence them.
- The circle of control (inner circle)
- yourself, your actions.
- How are you showing up to situations, how are you responding to certain situations. You can't control your thoughts or the types of thoughts, but you can control how much power those thoughts and feelings have over you.
When you mix up what happens in each of the circles, it can lead to anger and resentment. It's ok to feel hurt and confused and frustrated by the things that other people do within the two way street of the circle of influence.
One way that we build trust in a relationship is by taking accountability for our actions. By making mistakes, it provides a chance for you to take accountability for our mistakes.
It's hard as human beings to recognize just how much we don't have control over.
